Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
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I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.