Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
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According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Bless you