I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
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Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
My love language is deader than Latin
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Pee pressure > peer pressure