me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
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If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*