Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
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She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Name another movie that mislead you?
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
a public service announcement
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”