neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
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A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.