Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
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God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?