Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
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“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Hit me in the face with a bird
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.