#Caturday
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I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
At least try to make it slightly believable
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested