Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
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Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly