My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
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We’ve all been there
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
That’s enough internet for the day
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.