there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
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Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.