I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
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You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.