I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
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Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
*praying for world peace*
God:
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.