Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
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Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.