trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
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My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.