If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
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I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
#polloftheday
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️