Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
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#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
New favorite tiktok
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling