6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
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An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.