Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
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Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.