A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
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Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
You can’t rush stupid.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order