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My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-