Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
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[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
B
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.