I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
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Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Clients after you give them your rates
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator