Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
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Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.