Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
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“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house