Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
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At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Netflix: We have Less
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Noah
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG