We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
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“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Hero horse inspires millions
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
lost dog
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes