Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
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I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Fight fire with water. Idiots.