I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
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DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
are there any atheist mantises?
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show