This is why I don’t delete Facebook
You Might Also Like
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
😩😩😩
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.