[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
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Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
My life coach traded me.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.