I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
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Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I camp so other people don’t have to.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up