my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
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wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Never forget.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac