me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
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I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Well well well…
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?