I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
You Might Also Like
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend