Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
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My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.