Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
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It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Well. That’s not a good sign.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win