Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
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Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.