Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
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M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.