CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
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My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
<—- homeless romantic
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I want to meet the individual who made this
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?