A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
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Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute