How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
You Might Also Like
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
no such thing as a dumb question
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.