He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
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I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point