Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
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band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
A game married people play.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Message from the dog groomers
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again