‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
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God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Favourite diary entry ever
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.