Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
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Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Am I having a stroke?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.