I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
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Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
When I said I liked it rough.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin