i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
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I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.