My dryer is celebrating lint.
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*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
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Gods work.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes